(Note to my fellow travelers: I wrote this on 30-Nov-21 as I was “looking forward” to Christmas.)
Christmastime:
A time of peace, love, joy,
anticipation, hope, giving,
goodwill towards all.
I remember Christmas:
I was five or six years old.
We arrived at a friend’s house
to celebrate and open presents.
I decided:
I would be a good boy for Santa
so that mom wouldn’t beat me.
I tried the best I could.
I wasn’t concerned about daddy-Monster.
I don’t know why.
Maybe he wasn’t around.
Maybe he was drinking with his buddies.
But my best with mom wasn’t good enough.
She flew into a rage.
I remember the beating.
I didn’t know what I had done wrong.
I had tried my best.
But I wasn’t good enough.
I felt only shame –
for being.
I know I opened presents,
but I don’t remember the gifts.
I was supposed to be happy.
But there was no joy.
Was I a bad boy?
My mom said so.
I believed the lie
for too many years.
Years later, mom would question me:
“Why don’t you smile more?”
“Why do you always look half-dead?”
“You used to have a beautiful smile.”
Flash forward nearly two decades:
I was in a rigid church group.
They had all the simplistic answers.
They had all the judgmental solutions.
They had it all figured out.
And they expected me to fall in line.
But I was thinking for myself.
I came to some of my own conclusions.
I stood my ground – once.
They attacked viciously.
They cast me out
because they had lost control.
Today, three and a half decades later:
Why do I still dread Christmas?
Why do I want to skip the decorations?
Why can’t I stand the music?
Why is December a month
to get through – to survive?
I have been pummeled
by family violence.
I have lost both my brothers
indirectly to family violence.
I have had my heart ripped out
by religious deception and duplicity.
All is calm? All is bright?
Not when terrorized by two decades of family violence.
Peace on earth? Goodwill towards men?
Not when betrayed by toxic theologians.
If I had the power,
I would add three days
to each month
and remove December.
As it is,
every year,
I remember –
Christmas.
– Healing Heart Warrior (Tom M.)