I am fine.
And then, out of the blue, I am not.
Surreptitiously, It flows into and through me, slowly but completely, filling all the nooks and crannies of my being. I feel It in the body tension, the sense of emptiness, the loneliness:
I am not enough, I am not doing enough, I am not doing it fast enough — there is not enough.
comparison, competition, scarcity:
I fall inward.
If I have any awareness, I might try to resist It. But really, I can’t. It is a straight jacket they wrenched over me.
And then, needing company, It expands and reaches outside of me — but not OUT of me — to grab the people I love. To include them in the pain (as I was taught to do).
They, too, are suddenly not enough, not doing enough, not moving fast enough. They are the cause of my unhappiness, discontent, loneliness.
I hurt the ones I want to love, just as I was hurt by the ones who — I will give them the benefit of the doubt — wanted to love me.
And then:
I begin to climb out of the lie, the confusion. I start to get just a tiny bit of distance from It, to grab onto just a corner of a different reality. That is all it takes to begin the journey.
It was their belief, they imposed It on me. It has operated in me for a very long time, but It doesn’t have to be my belief.
It is not true – how could it be? It is nonsensical.
Trusting Rumi, when he says we are to welcome all guests into our feeling house, I gently hold hands with the fear, walk slowly with the sadness, let the feelings flow through me and resolve.
I am so sorry sweet girl, that they could not love you.
I love you. I am here for you. You are enough, you have always been enough, complete and whole just as you are. I love you.
My body relaxes, I am again at peace.
Barbara B
