As newcomers, we often feel the need to set boundaries with family or friends who don’t understand our program, who may give unwanted advice, or simply trigger our laundry list traits. I had a friend who criticized the way I taught my children manners (or lack thereof). This triggered my feeling of not being good enough. I felt shamed. I began to realize that this friend spent a lot of our conversations judging and criticizing others, particularly her sister. My gentle efforts to change the topic went unheeded. Finally, I set a boundary and now I see her only 4 times a year when we go with another friend to the theater.
My brothers are both part of a religion that I left as a young woman and that I feel is fundamentalist and overly strict. My daughters want me to stand up to them or question them about their views. I have chosen to avoid talking with them about religion (just as I try to avoid politics). An Al-Anon slogan helps me: Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said right now? Does it need to be said by me? The other tool I use is to check my motivations. It’s not my job to challenge their religion. To do so would show me as the bossy older sister who knows better than they do! I can love my brothers just the way they are without entering the debating society over their religion. Anything I could say does not need to be said. It won’t change them and will bring conflict into our relationship.
The difference in these two boundaries comes down to an important question: Am I willing to accept the other person just the way they are? In the case of my friend, the answer is that I can accept her as an unhappy person who likes to criticize others only in a few regularly agreed set times and places, like our theater tickets. In the case of my brothers, I do accept them just the way they are. I chose to address our mutual alcoholic upbringing with ACA. They chose (although they probably don’t recognize this) to deal with it with a highly controlling religion.
Each week, I get to hear fellow ACAs tell their experience (and often success) in setting boundaries. Our meeting is listed as WEB 0619, Wednesdays at 11am EST. All are welcome!
Christine B