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What’s the Payoff

by | Jun 15, 2024 | ACA Boundaries, ComLine

Verbal abuse, what’s the payoff?
Distance, disconnection, abandonment.
I don’t matter, I don’t belong; sense of community lost.
No trust or accountability. No safety, no safe-harbor.
Up in my tree as soon as I could get away.
Comfort, nurture, understanding, support from my tree.

Physical abuse, what’s the payoff?
Transferring fear and terror held in my dad
into my little body, and then building on that.
Held onto for a long time. Unraveling that!

Spiritual abuse, what’s the payoff?
Disconnect me from others, from support,
from trust, from feeling safe, from feeling secure.
Disconnect from my Higher Power, very young.

I learn not to talk, trust, or feel, what’s the payoff?
Continued disconnect, loss of choice, loss of freedom,
loss of a chance for understanding, warmth, caring, comfort.

I learn feelings and “needs” words are unsafe, what’s the payoff?
Loss of expressing myself, loss of contribution, loss of connection,
Shutting down of growth and healing.

I raise my little brother, what’s the payoff?
Mom doesn’t have to do what she wasn’t doing anyway.
My little brother feels cared for and safe most of the time.
He feels and learns about connection, kindness, and consistency.
He learns to trust through me. He feels he matters.
There is a sense of community between both of us.
I learn about kindness, caring, empathy,
being trustworthy, that I matter, at least to him I do.
I learn over-responsibility. I learn to nurture.

I moved out of state years ago, what’s the payoff?
I am not subjected to family patterns on a daily basis.
There is mental and physical space for me to have my own thoughts, feelings, needs.
There is space for my recovery.
I learn to heal flashbacks and stay in-body.
I learn to let go of dissociating (well almost)!
I learn that I matter. I find my people.
I learn about trust and consistency, kindness and caring.
I learn about boundaries, and learn a NO, and that NO is a complete sentence.
I learn that to justify, argue, defend, explain is unnecessary (JADE)
I learn to have a sense of self, and that I can maintain it, like my rock.
I learn to hold my inner gold that I gave away as a child,
It was too big for me to hold back then.
I needed others to hold it, to give it back to me a little bit at a time.
Until I became strong enough to hold it myself.

I learned to take my inner gold back in recovery
Most everyone in my life wanted it, and didn’t want to give it back.

What is the payoff now?
My payoff is to heal.
It’s in recovery!

Lena L

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