Twenty-four years old:
Someone treats me with contempt.
Someone views me as worthless.
Someone disrespects me.
A bureaucrat treats me as an object –
a thing to be discarded.
Anger churns within.
Without thinking, I retaliate.
A few weeks later,
I’m standing before a judge.
He asks me to explain property damage.
I pay a moderate fine.
The law calls it: Misdemeanor Mischief.
I call it: Resurrecting daddy-Monster’s Rage.
He’s been dead three years.
But his explosive rage lives on – in me.
Two decades of his terror is not enough.
He’s also given his rage to me as an inheritance.
His violent temper has transferred over.
I have learned from him.
I don’t want his hideous “gift”.
How do I reject my ugly inheritance?
How do I evict a Monster
who’s been entrenched my entire life?
Unwelcomed uninvited guest.
But I can’t kick him out.
His alien tentacles have invaded
and slimed every part of my being.
Daddy-Monster is dead.
How do I get rid of him?
I want him out of me!
How do I kick him out?
Over the next four decades:
Lots of small support groups.
Lots of courageous honesty.
Lots of inner child work.
And yes, a few more eruptions.
A little bit of therapy.
Lots of grief.
Lots of screaming.
Extreme betrayal from phony friends.
Lots of legitimate anger.
Lots of anguish.
Courage to feel the pain.
Honesty with my Higher Power.
Healthy processing of my anger.
Lots of boundary work.
A few true friends.
Learning provisional trust.
Integrating past trauma with current reality.
Overwriting past hypercritical messages.
Lots of writing.
Boundaries with mom.
Silent treatment from mom – ten years.
Becoming my own loving parent.
Being a loving parent to my own son.
Climbing out of the bottomless pit,
one day at a time,
one step at a time.
Another step forward today.
Accepting my humanity.
Lots of twelve-step work.
Walking away from judgmental eyes.
Rejecting the simplistic answers.
Mourning those who self-destruct.
Freedom to simply be.
Standing up to workplace bullies –
sometimes with excessive aggression.
Letting go of the “need” to prove anything.
Letting go of other’s expectations.
Letting go of perfectionism.
Letting go of extremes.
Letting go of the demand for justice.
Letting go of other’s choices.
Letting go of toxic people.
Embracing relative peace and forward progress.
Overall upward spiral.
Periods of extreme turbulence.
I have evicted daddy-Monster –
for the most part.
Occasionally, I still find explosive residue.
Occasionally, I still find a writhing piece of tentacle.
Then, I dive deep within.
I search for the source of my agitation.
I honor my truth.
I reaffirm the right to my feelings.
I choose to process them in a healthy manner.
I listen to my wounded inner child.
I share with a trusted fellow traveler.
I breathe – and I release.
I give daddy-Monster’s wreckage back to him.
I continue my healing journey.
– Healing Heart Warrior (Tom M.)
Alien Invader
