Blind faith has always sounded ridiculous to me. After all, a part of why I have been Pagan for over 30 years was because I did not just accept things at face value. I needed to know more. So I did not really have any problem “recognizing” my Higher Power. It was the female deity I chose to worship and for which I felt the closest affinity. Although there are other gods I recognize, she is the main focus. But the problem I did have was answering the question of, “Could I let things go and give them up” to her. Suddenly, I realized I had a hard time actually doing that.
I meditated on it and journaled about it. It was a shock to find out that I had a hard time letting go of things. (I am sure other people in my life would not have been surprised.) I was having a crisis of faith; something I had not had in decades. When I heard something like, “Let go, Let God” or, “God gave us free will to give back to him”, I would roll my eyes. After all, if a human said to another human “I give you free will, but I will love you if you give it back”, we would call them emotionally manipulative. I had always seen such letting go as avoiding personal responsibility.
But readings about Step Two and Three made me see that, just like the Laundry List, I could check off what I recognized in myself. I saw God as I did my abusive father; controlling, manipulative, and punishing. I saw his followers who gave up that control to him as the people who looked at my father and only saw the hard working happy family man who hid the monster underneath. Of course, I could not let someone like that control my life again. So could I come to terms with letting go of my control in my relationship with the deity I chose to worship?
I did it by looking at the deity and her qualities. She is a loving, protective mother. She especially watches over the marginalized, the forgotten, and the abused. She does answer prayers and will be there with a loving embrace when it all ends. I trusted my physical mother. I needed to trust my spiritual mother and recognize her godly nature; her ability to take care of what I could not. I politely prayed for a sign that ACA was the right path to take.
A few days later, I made a reconnection with a former co-worker that involved astronomical odds; that out of everyone in the world, in my country, states away from where we met, the millions on the Internet, we ended up in the same place. I can take a cosmic hint. I can now say with no doubt or hesitation that my Higher Power can restore clarity and take care of whatever I cannot. And that feels… amazing!
Harper O