I had a dream last night
I am dreaming lately
after none for most of my life
except for “stuck feet” dreams, repeatedly, the same dream
again and again. Go back to sleep, it runs again.
Thankfully those are gone now.
The door opened around being the speaker for a speaker meeting, a few days ago,
and being much more transparent than in the past.
My right hip, it goes slightly out of joint
then it hurts and gives me difficulty with walking,
until it pops back in. That can be soon, or it can be a very long time.
It was slightly out last night, so I was in and out of consciousness.
Having trouble sleeping.
My mind shared with me…
I was about 4 or 5 when my dad picked me up by my right leg.
That knee also has long-term damage.
And the left foot came along with long-term cramping and curling to midline.
In junior high, dad installed a leather punching bag in the back garage
for my older brother to use, “to get some of his anger out.”
The punching bag was a trigger for me,
bringing up flashbacks of the time dad picked me up by leg, but the entire incident was repressed.
Surfacing much, much later, in an EMDR session.
And in that session, being shared blow by blow, in the sequence I endured so long ago.
The hand… extra large in relation to the body I am in now.
The size of my dad’s hand making sense in relation to the body of a much younger me.
I spent most of my free time in junior high and high school refinishing a piano
Dad had tasked me to refinish, by hand. And by that, I mean with sandpaper.
I was not allowed to use any paint stripper. A very long and tedious process.
It gave ample exposure to time around my older brother, and with no support.
I don’t know what the issue was that precipitated that behavior from my dad.
I could have smiled. Or not being in bed by 9 pm sharp.
My pattern was to be in bed a little before,
so as to not wake the sadistic and seething monster
hidden inside of the person I knew as my father.
I am grateful that my inner children are beginning to share their thoughts and perceptions with me.
My inner children feeling…
comfort, support, love, honor, and respect. Unconditional acceptance. That they matter.
I have huge expanses of time with no memories. Erased. Repressed? Suppressed? Removed? Deleted?
The lifetime of silence may be beginning to open…
I am thankful my inner children are shifting, in their own time, from not wanting to share things yet,
to begin to trust me.
Feeling, among many things…
Protected, safe, safety, safeguarding, safe-keeping, secure.
Contact, connection, a bond, shielding, guarding, guidance, courage.
Understanding, caring, important, adored, warmth, compassion, tenderness, empathy.
Feeling seen, heard, and valued.
Noticing shared well-being, confidence, and concern.
And feeling in their bones…
Refuge, sanctuary, shelter, and belonging.
Feeling that this Loving parent is reliable, consistent, dependable, and trustworthy.
Our own little safe family.
A far cry from being raised to trust the untrustworthy.
Growing intuition, “gut” feelings, discernment, insight, perception, awareness, wisdom, clarity, and coherence.
Lena L