What did Powerless mean to my inner child?
I was powerless growing up in an incredibly controlling and narcissistic envelope,
with players of various narcissistic flavors. No red flags here, all normalized.
I was powerless over being assigned the role of family scapegoat,
and being pigeonholed into the victim role too.
I had no personal power in this family system.
I was powerless over how my dad and older brother abused me.
I was powerless over how my mom did not protect me.
I was powerless over not having been taught a “NO!”
I was powerless over not having physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual boundaries.
A life of stormy days and biting and bitter bad weather.
What did Powerless mean to my inner teenager?
Fear and terror. Helpless and hopeless. Last-class. Unwanted and unwelcome.
Worthless and unacceptable. GUILT-RIDDEN. SHAMEFUL. ASHAMED.
Goal lines that moved out whenever a goal was almost met. Never making the mark.
Not being heard, not feeling connected, not feeling loved.
Isolation, ridicule, and deception. Like living in a house of mirrors.
I needed to matter, to feel a sense of belonging, to feel respected.
Powerless meant dealing with fallout from many unexpected “landmine” consequences.
Powerless over physical and emotional manipulation
into questioning my own sanity, memory, and my perception of reality.
Emotional landmines, bombs, and psychological grenades hurled at me.
Ploys, cunning plans, and lies, lies, lies.
Trickery, devious tactics, and corrupt war games.
Deception, devious dishonesty, and subterfuge. Masquerading as a family.
Devastating consequences. No choices.
What does Powerless mean to me now?
It wasn’t MY energy… Doesn’t belong to me… Is not mine…
I was powerless over making my parents happy,
an unconscious assigned task that was impossible to accomplish.
I am powerless over people, places, and things.
I am powerless over energy. I can let it flow on by.
It doesn’t belong to me. It is on its own path. And I can disconnect from it!
Put it on a cloud and watch it float off somewhere else!
I am powerless over people I interact with, and their level of introspection.
I have choices about whether I remain in contact with difficult people.
I have choices about my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries.
I have choices about what I say, and who I choose to be in contact with.
I have choices about what I do, and where I put my energy.
I have choices about what I think, and about having my own thoughts and opinions.
I have choices about who I interact with, and who I allow into my life!
Soul-filling! Ah, recovery!