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Things I Have Learned In Childhood And Adulthood

by | Jun 1, 2023 | ComLine, Voices of Recovery

Things I Learned as a Child and Young Adult (from my parents, schools, and church):

No one at home has the right to be angry – except daddy-Monster.

All authority figures are monsters and must be feared. They are always right and I am always wrong.

God loves me and has a lightning bolt aimed and ready to zap me.

I was born in original sin, with original guilt. I was born wrong; I am always wrong.

Elevated emotional expression is forbidden, whether “positive” or “negative”; I must be ruled by a rational mind.

Whenever any authority figure is angry or disappointed, it is automatically my fault.

My views are unimportant and invalid; everyone else knows better.

I must comply with all unwritten and unspoken rules; I must somehow know them.

Good enough is never good enough.

Suffer in silence.

It is always my fault.

I must apologize, even when I did nothing wrong. I am still somehow to blame.

If anything goes wrong, it is automatically my fault.

I must be good at mind-reading.

I must always tell the truth. I must not tell the truth about my family or anyone else in authority; that would be betrayal and unforgiveable.

Adults are not to be trusted; they must be obeyed.

I don’t have a voice; I don’t have the right to speak up.

Stating my desires or needs is selfish. I don’t have the right to my desires or needs.

Things I Learned in Small Support Groups (and other healthy environments):

Yes, some authority figures are monsters; most are reasonable and will listen to valid concerns. Most of them care genuinely about my welfare.

It is not my fault if someone is chronically angry. Their anger is their own issue.

The theology of God’s love and lightning bolt is self-contradictory.

I choose to believe what I believe, not what someone else wants me to believe.

Emotional expression is natural. I am healthiest when my expressive heart and rational mind are in balance.

If someone is upset, it is not automatically my fault. I am not responsible for someone else’s emotional dysregulation.

I am not a mind reader. I need honest and clear communication just like everyone else.

I choose what is good enough for me.

Suffering in silence will not help me overcome. There are others around me who care and want to listen and offer their humanity.

I choose courage to apologize when I’m wrong about something. I choose courage to stand my ground when I’m confident I’m right. I choose courage to admit when I don’t know.

It is not automatically my fault. Life is messy and things can go wrong without any blame necessary.

Telling the truth about family dysfunction is tricky and requires courage. Betraying family secrets can open the door to personal wholeness and healing. Breaking the cycle of generational violence is of far greater value than protecting those who choose cowardice.

Healing Heart Warrior (Tom M)

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