14 Signs Your Childhood Might Be Affecting Your Life Today
At some point, many people start to notice patterns in their lives that don’t quite make sense.
You might react strongly to conflict, feel responsible for other people’s emotions, or struggle to fully relax – even when things are going well. You may have worked hard to change these patterns, only to see them reappear in different forms. For a long time, experiences like these can feel personal, frustrating, or difficult to explain.
The Laundry List is a name given to a set of 14 traits that describe many of these patterns. First written down in 1978, the list reflects common experiences shared by people who grew up in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional families.
For many readers, encountering these traits feels less like learning something new and more like recognizing something that’s always been there. The list isn’t meant to label or define you – it simply puts language to experiences that often went unnamed.
The 14 Traits Explained
#1) Isolation and Fear of Authority Figures
Many adult children find themselves feeling uncomfortable around authority figures, whether it’s a boss, teacher, or even in social situations and relationships. This isolation often stems from early experiences where authority felt unpredictable or unsafe.
#2) Approval Seeking and Loss of Identity
Have you ever felt like you mold yourself to fit what others expect of you, sometimes to the point of losing touch with who you really are? This trait is common among adult children who learned to seek approval as a means of staying safe.
#3) Fear of Angry People and Personal Criticism
A harsh word or an angry tone might feel like a punch to the gut. Many in ACA share this experience, finding solace in meetings where anger is expressed safely and inner criticism is met with support.
#4) Co-dependent Relationships and Abandonment Issues
Whether through romantic partnerships or friendships, adult children often find themselves drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable or need rescuing. It’s not uncommon to repeat these patterns until they are recognized.
#5) Victim Perspective and Attraction to Similar Traits in Others
Living with a constant sense of being a victim can lead to choosing relationships where this dynamic is repeated. Many adult children find comfort in understanding this pattern through ACA literature and fellowship.
#6) Overdeveloped Sense of Responsibility
Caring for others is admirable, but when it consistently comes at the expense of your own needs, it can be a sign of this trait. Many in ACA discover the importance of balance through shared experiences and community insights.
#7) Guilt When Standing Up for Oneself
If setting boundaries makes you feel selfish or guilty, you’re not alone. This trait often emerges from environments where personal needs were overlooked or dismissed. Or where we were shamed for speaking up.
#8) Addiction to Excitement
Some adult children find comfort in chaos, gravitating towards high-stress or unpredictable situations. Recognizing this pattern can help create awareness and offer new perspectives through ACA’s principles.
#9) Confusing Love with Pity
For many, love and pity can become entangled. ACA meetings often explore this concept, helping members distinguish between genuine connection and relationships built on rescuing or being rescued.
#10) Stuffing Feelings Due to Childhood Trauma (Denial)
For some adult children, numbness, detachment, or difficulty expressing emotions can become familiar patterns. In ACA, many people describe finding a sense of safety that allows these experiences to be explored gently and without judgment.
#11) Harsh Self-Judgment and Low Self-Esteem
Many of us in ACA recognize the voice of harsh self-criticism, what we call the Inner Critical Parent. Learning to treat ourselves and inner family with the same kindness we offer others is a shared journey in our fellowship.
#12) Fear of Abandonment and Dependency in Relationships
The fear of being unwanted or alone can lead to holding onto relationships that aren’t healthy. In ACA, many find new ways to build connections based on mutual respect and interdependence.
#13) Para-Alcoholism: Adopting Characteristics of the Alcoholic/Dysfunctional System
Even without direct substance abuse, many adult children adopt behaviors or mindsets from dysfunctional family environments. Recognizing these characteristics is a meaningful first step toward change.
#14) Being a Reactor Rather Than an Actor
Feeling like life is something that happens to you rather than something you actively shape is a familiar story in ACA. Through meetings and literature, many of us learn how to reclaim our sense of of choice and direction in our lives.
Finding Support in ACA
If you see yourself in The Laundry List, take heart – there is a community that understands. ACA literature, meetings, and shared experiences can offer a sense of belonging and clarity.
Many adult children find comfort simply by listening to others who have walked a similar path.
In ACA, we focus on learning from each other, not on fixing or diagnosing. Our meetings and resources are designed to offer support and guidance through shared wisdom and fellowship.
You Are Not Alone
Recognizing these traits is a powerful first step. You don’t have to navigate this journey by yourself. We invite you to explore ACA literature, attend a meeting, or connect with our community. There is hope and healing here, and we are glad you found your way to us.
Recognizing yourself in The Laundry List can bring up questions — and you don’t have to answer them all at once. The ACA Welcome Path offers a simple overview of the program, what to expect, and how people often begin.