Dealing with Difficult Members

Many of us have had the experience in meetings where we find a fellow member who triggers us with what they say or how they behave. The question arises as to what action if any can be taken to eliminate those triggering shares. For example, a friend called me and said that there was a member of her in-person group who frequently discussed violence, including threatening to run people over with her car.  I asked if her group timed their shares and she said they did not. One suggestion was to begin timing, which would help those who feel triggered by conversations about violence. The group was unwilling to confront the member or to start timed shares. Ultimately, my friend decided to leave the meeting which of course, is one solution, although not necessarily the best one.

Some members of one of my zoom meetings brought up at a business meeting, whether we should establish parameters for content of shares, such as “shares should be related to recovery and not the problem” or “shares should be respectful and not angry.” 

We have one particular member who quickly self identified as the “angry member.” He takes the position that he has a right to be angry and express his anger. But this member also chairs the meeting frequently and participates in business meetings without anger.  When the topic came up at the business meeting, we were not able to reach any group consensus. Some people felt that anyone should be free to share anything they want related to their recovery in their allotted three minutes and that if people did not want to listen to this particular member, they could shut off their audio. Others commented that if people found it so difficult to be in a zoom meeting with this member that they should find another meeting. 

ACA’s safety guidelines reflect this principle – reminding us that if a meeting is not meeting our needs, we are free to seek another. These guidelines were developed and approved by delegates in 2024 after extensive fellowship discussion, including careful consideration of language around “unsafe behavior.”

We recognized that having this “angry member” in our group helps our recovery. It is not our job to fix or change this member or to establish rules that will protect ourselves from his feelings. We are ultimately responsible for our own feelings and recovery.  We can keep ourselves safe in whatever way works for us and allow all of our members the respect to share their experience, strength, and hope in the way that best works for them. Ultimately our business meeting decided that they would take no action on trying to monitor content of shares.

Christine B