I, Annie

I am
I am an Adult Child
I am an Adult Child of an Adult Child of an Adult Child
I am the 3rd of 3 children
I am the only girl

I was
I was never visible
I was never able to speak up
I was never allowed to be imperfect
I was never sure if I was wanted

I learned
I learned to keep it all inside
I learned to put up a good front
I learned that girls are not as good as boys
I learned that I could never measure up

I became
I became a victim
I became anxious
I became chronically ill
I became what everyone told me to be

I wished
I wished someone understood
I wished someone would see me
I wished someone would save me
I wished someone knew how I felt inside

I lost
I lost my innocence
I lost my joy
I lost my way
I lost my ever-loving mind

I tried
I tried to do my best
I tried to overcome
I tried to use food to numb my pain
I tried to pretend nothing was wrong

I acted
I acted like I was better than everyone else
I acted like I was perfect
I acted like I was in control
I acted like I was fine

I got tired
I got tired of always having to be right
I got tired of keeping it all in
I got tired of trying to fix other people
I got tired of being everything to everyone

I dreamed
I dreamed of a day without pain
I dreamed of finding a way out
I dreamed of feeling alive
I dreamed of my broken heart being healed

I searched
I searched for ways to feel better
I searched for people to help me
I searched for guidance in life
I searched for hope

I walked
I walked through the door of therapy
I walked through the door of OA
I walked through the door of intensive trauma recovery
I walked through the door of ACA

I learned
I learned that my parents were carrying their own pain, their own shame
I learned that my parents did the best they could
I learned that my parents did not intentionally harm me
I learned that my parents are unhealed Adult Children

I worked hard
I worked hard at being accepting of myself
I worked hard at being honest
I worked hard at being open
I worked hard at being willing

I started
I started to feel my feelings
I started to know my True Self
I started to stand taller
I started to breathe

I found
I found my truth
I found my resilience
I found my strength
I found my voice

I am now
I am now taking life one day at a time
I am now of service to others
I am now finding joy & having fun
I am now fully alive

I, Annie

A poem I wrote after my first year in ACA . It tells the story, and then of my healing in ACA.

Annie M