The Only One We Can Change is Ourselves.

I recently attended a full day meeting on Boundaries that was sponsored by several groups in Pennsylvania. I had the joy of presenting to the group some of the work and concepts in a draft book on boundaries that a writer group has submitted to the Literature Evaluation Subcommittee at WSO for possible approval as ACA approved literature.

One of the topics we discussed was the importance of checking our motivations in setting a boundary. My motivation should be to ensure my safety and well-being. Any other motivation is likely to backfire. If my motivation is to try to get someone to change, then my boundary may lead to upset or anger, but it won’t give me what I really want, which is to feel safe and respected. If I am trying to explain my boundary to you to try to get you to see my point of view or agree with me, my focus is on you, not me. But the ACA Serenity Prayer says the only one I can change is myself. If I get emotional and try to get you to see how important my boundary is to me, I am also not operating from the standpoint of simply stating my boundary calmly and then enforcing it.

I shared at this meeting what one of my first sponsors said to me about getting someone else to change. My husband had done something that I didn’t like and she said, “You get to ask your husband to change three times. If he doesn’t change, you have to stop asking because asking after three times is nagging.”

I came to see that she was right. I also came to see that whether he couldn’t honor my request or refused to was irrelevant. The only relevant fact was that he hadn’t honored it, so trying to get to the bottom of his motivations or his desires was useless when I simply could look at the facts and say “No, he has not done what I asked him to do.”

Then my sponsor said to me you have some choices to make. First, I can accept him just the way he is and decide that that conduct is not all that important. I can use the “how important is it” slogan and the “acceptance is the answer to all my problems” slogan and give up the struggle over whether he will or won’t honor my request. The problem with this is that I sometimes talk myself out of things that are really important to me by saying, “how important is it?” I shut down my inner child and tell her she should just grow up and get used to people not doing what she wants them to do. This is not the best way to deal with my inner child. It makes her feel abandoned. She wants to be heard, affirmed as to what she really wants and know that I will do my very best to help her with her need for love and affirmation no matter what.

My husband, who is not in program, spends a lot of time watching the news on TV and wants to talk about politics. The news programs he watches have commentators who are all stirred up over political issues. I choose not to talk about politics because it triggers me when I see angry people. It reminds me of my angry father. I also feel powerless because there’s so little I can do about politics. So I told my husband I don’t want to talk about politics. However, he has not honored this request.
I admit I asked more than three times. Each time he’d launch in on politics, I’d say, “you know I don’t talk about politics.” Or if he were watching tv, I’d ask him to wear headphones and turn the volume off in the room. But he would still ask me over dinner what I thought of a current political issue and I admit I would engage in a debate. At one point, I got uppity and picked up my plate and went into another room.
Clearly, I was unable to accept him just as he is. Now I have two choices: leave the relationship or set a boundary that takes care of my needs. I’m not willing to leave the marriage over politics. But how can I set a boundary that allows me to feel safe without arguing, debating, nagging or otherwise making our lives miserable?
I’ve discovered that what really triggered me about talking about politics was me getting stirred up. If I simply listen to my husband talk without engaging in a debate, occasionally commenting “good point,” I found that I could listen to him, and that was OK with me. What I learned was the person I could change was me and I could change myself by simply being kind, allowing him to talk about what he wanted to talk about and not trying to talk him out of it, make him wrong, or debate whether he’s right or wrong in his views.

It’s easier if the other person is a friend or family member from whom I can take a break. I have the option to come back to the relationship and try again, asking my inner family if they feel ok with the relationship. Sometimes I can’t accept what someone else says or does, but I find bringing some spiritual resources to bear has helped me in setting boundaries. For example, I can pray for the other person for them to have all the love and affirmation that I want for myself. I can pause when agitated and rather than setting a boundary when I’m upset and angry I can give it 24 hours and then review the situation again. I have found that if 24 hours later, I am still debating what to say about the event, something probably needs to be said, but by using my program tools and resources, including talking to a fellow traveler, I find that I make better decisions and lead a more contented life, which after all is my goal in ACA recovery.