As an Adult Child, I have always been consumed by self-doubt (see daily meditations of June 27, September 08, November 06). Double-binds were the rule in my family, along with lies, secrets, enmeshment, triangulation (= no direct communication, always tell a third party!). It took me decades and various helps to clear up such smog. The main tool has been to make lists, to write down facts, crude facts, and to compare them with what was said to me. Here are some examples of check-lists that saved me from confusion.
I was used to consider me / be considered a failure, unable to achieve anything good. Twenty-six years ago, I doubted being able to stay a total abstainer more than 3 days, and to live on my own. My sponsor advised me to draw up a gratitude list: to write the important things I had managed to achieve, or the difficult things I had been able to endure without relapsing. During the first 44 months of my abstinence, I listed 58 different things (no trifles: divorce, selling our house, my sister being diagnosed with a cancer, and so on…). Yes, it had been terrible, but I held on. I am definitely NOT a failure!
I am considered / diagnosed asocial. But one day, as I told my therapist that when coming back from a once-in-a-lifetime-travel to Japan, I brought 54 gifts for 41 persons, she pointed out to me: “Do you really believe that an asocial one would care to choose 54 gifts for 41 persons?! Or simply would even think of 41 persons?!”… Of course not!
I am considered / diagnosed psychically handicapped: unable to take care of myself, to keep a stable job and a stable home, to have a stable social life. One night, I listed the durations of my most important landmarks: by then, I had been in the same job for 24 years, in the same apartment for 17 years, had been with the same lover-then-husband for 15 years before divorcing, and had 17 friends I knew since respectively 3, 7, 9, 10, 13, 14, 16, 17, 18 (3 friends), 19, 24, 28, 33 (2 friends), and 41 years! How could I have let me be persuaded I suffered from pathologic instability and social inaptitude???
Last year, when I celebrated my birthday and retirement, I asked 20 persons to give me 3 words they considered would best describe me. 17 of them answered, but sometimes with more than 3 words, so I got finally a total of 60 words portraying me… very, very, very differently from the “official” way my family and doctors usually define me. Nothing to do with it!
Waves of self-doubt inevitably ebb and flow. Writing and re-reading such check-lists helps me establish embankments, to limit their destructive impact. A powerful tool! Yes, “It works if you work it, and you’re worth it”!
Geneviève R.
HALTE AU DOUTE DE SOI
En tant qu’Enfant Adulte, j’ai toujours été rongée de doutes (cf pensées quotidiennes des 27 juin, 8 septembre, 6 novembre). Les injonctions paradoxales étaient la règle dans ma famille, de même que mensonges, secrets, enchevêtrements, triangulations (= pas de communication directe, toujours passer par une tierce personne !). Il m’aura fallu des dizaines d’années et diverses aides pour sortir de pareils embrumages. Le principal outil a été de faire des listes, d’écrire les faits, les faits bruts, et les comparer avec ce qui m’était assené. Voici quelques exemples de listes qui m’ont sauvée de la confusion.
J’avais l’habitude de me considérer / d’être considérée comme une tarée, incapable de quoi que ce soit de bon. Il y a 26 ans, je ne croyais pas être capable de demeurer abstinente plus de 3 jours, et de vivre seule. Ma marraine m’a conseillé d’écrire une liste de gratitudes : écrire les choses importantes que j’avais réussi à faire, ou les choses difficiles que j’avais pu encaisser sans rechuter. Au cours des 44 premiers mois de mon abstinence, j’ai listé 58 choses différentes (et pas du détail : divorce, vente de la maison, diagnostic de cancer chez ma sœur, etc.). Oui, ça a été terrible, mais j’ai tenu bon. Je ne suis vraiment PAS une tarée bonne à rien !
Je suis considérée / diagnostiquée asociale. Mais un jour, quand j’ai dit à ma thérapeute qu’au retour d’un voyage-unique-occasion-de-ma-vie au Japon, j’avais rapporté 54 cadeaux pour 41 personnes, elle m’a demandé : « Croyez-vous réellement qu’une asociale se donnerait la peine de choisir 54 cadeaux pour 41 personnes ? Ou simplement se soucierait de 41 personnes ? ». Bien sûr que non !
Je suis considérée / diagnostiquée handicapée psychique : incapable de prendre soin de moi, d’avoir un emploi et un logement stable, une vie sociale stable. Une nuit, j’ai listé les durées de mes plus importants repères : à l’époque, j’occupais le même emploi depuis 24 ans, le même appartement depuis 17 ans, étais restée avec le même amoureux-puis-mari pendant 15 ans avant de divorcer, et j’avais 17 ami(e)s, que je connaissais depuis respectivement 3, 7, 9, 10, 13, 14, 16, 17, 18 (3 personnes), 19, 24, 28, 33 (2 personnes), et 41 ans ! Comment avais-je pu me laisser persuader que je souffrais d’instabilité pathologique et d’inaptitude sociale ?
L’an dernier, quand j’ai fêté mon anniversaire et ma retraite, j’ai demandé à 20 personnes de m’attribuer 3 mots qui me décrivaient, selon eux. 17 ont répondu, parfois avec plus de 3 mots : j’ai eu finalement un total de 60 mots brossant mon portrait… très, très, très différemment de ce qu’en disent « officiellement » famille et toubibs. Rien à voir !
Les vagues du doute de soi fluent et refluent inévitablement. Ecrire et relire ce genre de listes m’aide à l’endiguer, à limiter son impact destructeur. Un outil puissant ! Oui, « Ça marche si vous le faites marcher, et vous le valez ! »
Geneviève R.
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