My inner family’s playground

In The Loving Parent Guidebook, page 15, a proposed exercise is to draw a picture of my inner family. Wow! It has been 9 years since I discovered the existence of Inner Child(ren) in 12-Step literature, and I had already tried twice to represent them, but for the time being, they are still so scared that I prefer to keep them sheltered, these drawings for private use only. Today, I decided to soften this exercise with the 7th Promise “We will learn how to play and have fun in our lives”, and only focus on my Inner Children’s playground. I realized my Inner Child had created these dolls more than 50 or 55 years ago, and that they have survived half a dozen furniture movings: amazing!

Dinosaurs were, as usual, watching everywhere, over-invading, ever-controlling… I see my Inner Critical Parent as a herd of dinosaurs, named sexual abuses, lies, control, betrayals, addictions, systematic disparagements.

I am happy to have recently reconnected with my (main) Inner Child, after 9 years of careful quest. Here is what happened. Due to a Parkinson disease, my whole life has been shattered and, nine months ago, my physical impairment got worse and worse, to the point that even the simplest acts of daily life had become impracticable. I had to let go, renounce, give up, drop, disown so many basic things and elementary acts that it seemed I had to disown myself.

I was paralyzed, shivering, to the point that it made me be once again “that five-year-old hiding behind the sofa” (see the October 25 Daily Meditation): terrorized, powerless, desperate. Then, at last, I obtained medical care (but no psychological support, only the usual revictimizing), and I’m home again, thanks to my Higher Power.

I now realize it has been like a harsh scouring, some kind of complete strip, like peeling an onion, until only the core of my self was left: I understand that this “deepest core part” was my Inner Child, my Inner Survivor. Now, I feel as if I had been “behind the sofa” to meet her, bring her out, and reconnect with her. It has been such a venture that I swore to her that from now on, I won’t betray her any more, I won’t abandon her any more, I will do my best to stay connected with her… after 60 years or more of shutdown!

And now I try to honor this promise, whatever intense emotions crop up, whatever awful memories and traumas engrained in my body appear, no matter how many tears flow, freed at last after having been fossilized inside me for decades. “The only way out is through”, as John Bradshaw said. I try to “slow down, breathe, and sit with my emotions”, to “let go, let God”… Wow! A playground, really? Or an arena? I keep reminding myself “There is no healing without feeling.”

On the other hand, my Step work had proven to me I was kind of amputated of any ability to feel or express anger, thus letting anybody encroach on my territory. And I discovered in the
Loving Parent Guidebook the existence of the Inner Teen, and her ability to rebel. Wow! Where is my anger, where is my Inner Teen? I wasn’t even aware of her existence!!! I guess she has taken shelter inside the very big shell in the background: hidden or locked up? I once heard a 12-Step friend say “There has been a time, during my childhood, when I have had to find refuge deep inside me. It had been a refuge, it has become a jail. My job, now, is to find a way out.” This is the story of my life. This is what happened to my Inner Teen.

And now, where is my Loving Parent? I guess she is the one who succeeded to:
Work my recovery in several 12-Step Fellowships (in-person meetings only),
Discover several years ago that my Inner Child was more at ease to express herself in “non-dominant language writing” (please forgive my English language mistakes: they are the counterpart of my spontaneity),
Discover the Comline Blog and how to send shares despite computer-related PTSD, making it “my world-wide written meeting” (please, come back and write again, you my unknown ACA friends! I need to read your shares!),
Find a friend sufficiently at ease with internet (I am not!) to order the Loving Parent Guidebook on my behalf,
Find a friend having a smartphone (I have none!) to take photographs and send them to me by mail,
Climb sufficiently high to change perspective and fly away, striving to free myself day by day from toxic dinosaurs!