Crocheting a Recovery

Crochet is very simple
Just yarn and one hook
Videos teach the basic stitches

Recovery is very simple, too
Just me and meetings
Literature and fellow travelers to help me

There are no knots in crochet
My fingers and the hook pull the yarn
around and through and
amazingly
I create fabric
or a bowl
or a bumblebee

Recovery has no guardrails
I pull at my own heartstrings and memories
untwisting and seeking clarity
amazingly
I reveal patterns
and truths
and my intergenerational trauma

There are no knots in crochet
And often in the process
I drop a loop
or separate the plies of my yarn
or pull too hard
and my creation starts to unravel
quickly
dramatically

Recovery has no safety harness
And often in the process
I touch a festering, shame-infected wound
or confront an untenable thought
or slip into victimhood and blame
and my recovery starts to unravel
quickly
perilously

Paradoxically,
pulling out crochet
on purpose or accidentally
reveals the structure
Loops stay open
showing what happened
and how to change it next time

Paradoxically,
the pain of recovery
the tears and shame and despair
reveal the structure
of the dysfunction
that surrounded me
The dysfunction that still surrounds and infects me
allowing me to see what happened
and how to change it going forward

Simple choices in crochet make big differences
a different hook size
yarn weight
yarn material
or how tightly I pull each stitch
I can do “the same thing”
and end with very different pieces

Simple choices in recovery make big differences
a different meeting
fellow traveler’s
story shared .. or withheld
or how tightly I hold each wound
I can do “the same thing”
and end up with very different experiences