Blindsided by Suicide

To my fellow travelers: this month marks the tenth anniversary of my brother’s final decision; the incomprehensible decision to end his life. I wrote this poem three years ago and I’m sharing it now to honor my brother and to offer my heart to those experiencing suicide grief. 

Hello Suicide, 
You have stolen my brother from me. 
You have ripped a hole in my heart – 
a forever hole. 

You freed my brother from his pain 
and transferred the pain to me – 
the pain so intense 
because of my love for him. 

You are a black hole 
in the structure of realty. 
I have entered a new universe 
of agonizing grief. 

They call you a new normal, 
but you are not normal, 
yet way too normal for too many 
who can never return to normal. 

I do not have the lung capacity 
to scream the scream 
that must be screamed 
to express the void. 

You are a giant jigsaw puzzle 
which demands solution. 
But most of the pieces are missing. 
My rational mind cannot process this. 


Hello brother. I love you. 
How I wish I could share my writing with you. 
But your final decision 
is what prompted my writing. 

I want to scream, “HOW COULD YOU!?” 
But your pain was so severe 
that freedom from pain 
was more precious than life. 

I want to understand 
your frame of mind – 
but that would be 
far too dangerous. 

Yes, we are both casualties 
of childhood domestic violence. 
We didn’t receive the love or security we needed. 
How I wish you could have found healing. 

Decades ago, we lost our reckless brother 
to his reckless choices. 
Now I am left alone – 
without a living sibling. 

Brother. I love you. 
I miss you. 
I release you. 
I hold you in my heart.
– Healing Heart Warrior (Tom M.)