My Struggle to Be – Me

I must not be me. 
daddy-Monster will explode on me. 
All over me. 
I dare not be. 

I don’t know 
what I’ve done wrong, 
but I must not be me. 
daddy-Monster will blame me. 

At school, I must not be me; 
catholic nuns will vilify me. 
This, in front of my peers, 
who will later bully me. 

I must be somebody else, 
but who would that be? 
Certainly not me as I am. 
I get in too much trouble – as me. 

I don’t know how. 
But I can’t be me. 
I must be quiet, invisible. 
Strong survival instinct within me. 

Who shall I be? 
I try to be strong. 
I try to be smart. 
I try to fit in. 

But every time, 
they reject me. 
I shrink. I freeze. 
I hide deep within me. 

Today, a decades-long struggle 
to find the hidden me, 
to embrace the hidden me, 
to comfort the hidden me. 
 
One step at a time. 
With many stumbles. 
With many triumphs. 
Agonizingly slow progress. 

Today, I want to ignore Christmas. 
Too many living nightmares. 
Childhood domestic violence – 
it never took a holiday. 

But I feel pressure from the herd. 
Do I go along with everyone? 
And not be true to me – 
the me I’m now compelled to be? 

Or do I stand my ground? 
And accept the discomfort. 
In myself and in others. 
Do I find the me within me? 

Who am I 
if I am not 
truly 
me? 


– Healing Heart Warrior (Tom M.)