Along the way on my life journey, I have had glimpses into the dark, scary recesses within me, and each time, when my seeing began to turn me into stone – frozen with fear about delving into the murky morass – I have retreated in terror, afraid to unearth the wrathful demons therein.
After finally coming to the bottom of my attempts to deny and suppress these shadow demons, to manage them, to quell the chaos and cacophony of their cries and conflict, their retribution for being exiled, I am choosing, as best I can, to allow them to surface. I know at my core that I cannot do this alone, and feel so fortunate for the help of ACA.
It feels as if I am at the gates of Hell, shouting: “Whatever wants to emerge from down there can do so, and I vow to be here, again, as best I can, to witness the agony of your imprisonment, and to celebrate the ecstasy of your emergence into the Light.”
I so long to allow these split-off, buried parts to be freed, to liberate them from my indictment, and to welcome them back into myself, into the wholeness from which I originate, for I know that this is the foundation of true freedom and happiness.
Of course, making a vow and honoring it are two separate things; there is great angst and suffering that are part of this liberating work, and, frankly, I don’t know if I have the capacity to endure all the wailing and gnashing of teeth of these parts, as they extricate themselves from the life-sucking Matrix. I can create the conditions in which they emerge into the Light, but only they, each one independently, can choose to let go of the seeming comfort of the dark, and embrace the Light of wholeness. They are, of course, much more likely to let go if they have a felt-sense of safety and assurance. This is my primary work.
I have found their willingness increases as I fully accept and hear them; taking the time and effort to discover their needs, and to explore together other ways to fulfill those needs, rather than the dysfunctional ones they took on at the onset.
I am increasingly finding, that these submerged dysfunctional parts somehow know that the strategies they chose to serve me (and I know that they all emerged and developed to serve and protect me in some way) no longer work, rather hold us back from wholeness. They long to let go of the dysfunctional strategies and to find more effective ones, for they want nothing more than to protect and serve me.
This process is not easy and is very uncomfortable, for the letting go doesn’t just immediately and miraculously happen, but must be carefully facilitated, one strand of attachment at a time. It took years for the protective strategies to form and develop, and will dissolve gradually, as they sense, see, feel, that they no longer need to play out the old strategies, because the needs underlying them are now being met by me, the Loving Parent of my own Being.
I continue my exhortation into the depths: “I now release my efforts to keep so much of myself buried, and pray for the willingness to let whatever wants to emerge to do so, tell their stories and reveal their needs. I pray, deeply, for a way back into the wholeness of my being.”
As this emergence ensues, I begin to feel first the terror and pain of these long-buried parts coming out of hiding; this is the part where the faint-hearted usually bail. It takes enormous courage and tenacity to allow these feelings to arise, without attempting to numb nor avert my attention through whatever dopamine hit I can find.
Yet, as the universal axiom states: “This too shall pass.” As I am willing to simply accept whatever feelings arise, without judging nor condemning them, they, like all feelings, pass. It is then that I can feel the relief, reassurance, joy and gratitude of them coming into the Light, into the wholeness of my Being.
It is clear to me that the most important parts of this process are my intention and my attention; being aware of and attuned with what I most deeply desire and focusing my awareness and energy to achieve this. My intention is healing, coming back into wholeness, and my attention is focused, at present, on the tools of ACA, as well as many others that I have developed along the way, for which I am deeply grateful.
As I follow this path, a profound and extremely uncomfortable reorientation is occurring, based on a core belief I formed long ago: that my worth comes from what I do, not who I am. I came to the belief that my validation comes from what I accomplish, and as the intensity of feelings has intensified, there are times I feel completely immobilized, frozen, unable to do the many things on my to-do list that are screaming at me. In these times, I feel completely incompetent, and thereby worthless.
I know that I must allow this reorientation, to allow the focus of my attention and energy to shift in order to become aware of and meet my core needs, which for the most part I have ignored and/or suppressed. But it is mightily uncomfortable.
I must be willing to go through this excruciating reorientation, that my intention, and my attention, begin to align, and my efforts become more effective at creating the Love and Wholeness I so desire, and which are my birthright.
Chaz B