"Genuine grieving for our childhood ends our morbid fascination with the past and lets us return to the present, free to live as adults." - Big Red Book, page 83.
My morbid fascination with my past perfectly describes the dissociative state I was in when I compulsively obsessed about reminders of sexual abuse I endured when I was about 8-years old. Before I was in ACA recovery, I was unwilling to let go of that trauma, and acknowledge the triggers that kept me locked in a mental prison. My self-imprisonment was a form of denial that I was having life problems and maladaptive coping skills such as workaholism and perfectionism, which led to other addictive behaviors which eventually became criminal, sending me to a physical prison.
When confronted about my criminal conduct, I realized how grave the situation had become and how my life had spun out of control. The legal consequences for my poor choices ended my life as it was, and there is no going back. While being arrested, convicted, fined, and imprisoned is a staggering price to pay for bad choices that were predicated on childhood trauma, this led me to ACA, where I could find the tools to dig myself out and start over. In ACA, I found people just like me who had suffered abusive childhoods, an alcoholic parent, and a dysfunctional family. Suddenly, I was not the only one with this problem. When I first came to ACA, the telephone meetings showed me how the program worked, what the 12 Steps and Laundry Lists were, and I heard others grieve their childhoods and talk about where they need to improve their lives. ACA showed me the way to confronting painful memories and unanswered questions.
Part of my grieving was discovering why I didn't report my abuse. When I was a child, we were not taught how to deal with abusive situations and how to report abusive adults. I kept asking why I did not report what happened to me. If only I said something, maybe I would not be in prison now. Maybe I would have been a better student, gotten better grades, and made better career choices. Maybe my marriage would have been stronger, and I could have been a better dad. Beating myself up about past choices is part of that morbid fascination with things I cannot change. That is not recovery in ACA. ACA teaches I can be my own loving parent by not beating myself up anymore. ACA also teaches personal responsibility for future conduct. I can forgive myself for being a child who was afraid to ask for help out of fear of punishment. Today, I need to focus on living free from that past through grieving instead of obsessing and looking forward.
It has been three years since I started ACA, where I met fellow travelers and participated in meetings. Each time I go through the process of grieving my childhood and recalling what was done to me, I feel a little more at peace from the shame and blame that ACA says we carry with us from the past. Grieving the past motivates me to positively change in the present. I don't want to be a part of the culture of addiction and abuse, nor do I want to be in a physical or mental prison.
Perhaps telling the real story of my childhood will someday help others who are repressing memories of their past and release them from their prisons. Inspiring others to address problem areas of their lives and finding help in programs like ACA will be a part of my restitution for the harms I have caused, knowing I have taken concrete steps by being a positive role model for those who are still battling the demons of their past.
I don't have good access to mental health counseling or ACA groups in prison. I had hoped to start an ACA chapter in prison. Prison is actually one of the worst places to attempt recovery. The majority of people here are stuck in their past and excuse their behavior. Some have no shame or remorse and are planning on how to commit new crimes when they are released.
I am fortunate that not everyone in prison is bad or a "hardened criminal". I've even managed to stay in touch with several fellow travelers on the outside. Most importantly, no matter what goes on here, my Higher Power is my Divine Cellmate and will always be with me.
Growing through ACA has helped me take responsibility for my actions. I am responsible for my conduct at all times. There are no excuses for making bad choices that hurt others, full-stop. There are no passes for bad decisions. By acknowledging my trauma, studying it, and grieving it, I can walk away from the morbid fascination with my past. With God's help, and the angels he put in my life, I can aspire to work towards the Twelfth Step of helping those ready to take their First Step.
Jon F