"We also have great difficulty accepting mistakes as adults." BRB p.38
It seemed like every life-pursuit I undertook involved "white-knuckling". I can look back at major accomplishments and remember thinking how I had no idea what I was doing at the time. Looking back through the lens of ACA recovery, I can now see what other people saw: that I actually had skill and talent.
My critical inner voice reinforced my beliefs that I was unqualified, didn't know enough, and was just getting by because I wasn't smart. That same inner voice told me my work was imperfect and was inferior to my peers. I could find imperfections in my work before I even started on it. Yet, I was addictively compelled, like a hamster on a wheel, to churn out projects and achievements to silence that critic and earn praise. The paradox of my dysfunction was the need to hear praise, but loathing and rejecting the praise when it was given.
"Most of us agonize over mistakes because we internalize the error" BRB p. 38.
As an adult child, where I was made to feel inferior and wrong as a child, I learned to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. When I did make a mistake, I would replay the errors in my head over and over, like a broken record that couldn't move on to the next track. After a while, this internalization became normalized. The ACA program has helped me understand how I internalized this—mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally—and that working the Steps and doing the program is the only way to change my thinking.
The message and hope I found in ACA tells me that I do not need to hate myself. I can practice self-love and forgive myself. I can't necessarily fix everything that is wrong with me, but I can accept myself the way I am and accept that people do love me. The Big Red Book acknowledges that recovery is challenging (p. 438), but all I need to do is put forth some effort in my recovery and allow myself to feel and accept the love that I and others have for me. To continue to reject that love would mean going back to addictions, codependence, or some other outward source to fill that void.
I have been away from ACA meetings for 18 months because I'm in prison. My greatest challenge is trying to work the program alone, in an environment that lacks the safety, security, and inclusion that I had in the ACA fellowship. The BRB, occasional contact with other travelers, and the support of my family are keeping me motivated to hold on to the ACA promises. I still struggle with parts of the Laundry List, but the ACA Promises are waiting for me if I try each day to stop hating myself by replacing that critical inner voice with the caring inner loving parent and continue building the new life that is waiting for me when I return home.
By accepting my mistakes and acknowledging that I'm not perfect, I can see my self-esteem improving because I'm not living up to something—the expectation of perfection which isn't possible. Every day is a struggle to survive, and maybe it’s not much different on the outside where I would still be interacting with other dysfunctional people.
There are a lot of things I can't do in prison, such as attending ACA meetings. While ACA is a program that wasn't meant to be done alone, I can continue to hold on to the positive messages, member shares, and the 12 Steps in the BRB to carry me from one day to the next until I'm home. While I'm stuck in isolation, the ACA promises offer me the message of hope of what awaits me and provides motivation to put my mistakes in the past and look ahead to the life waiting for me outside of the self-imposed prisons I've built around myself, which are 100 times more punishing than the physical prison I'm in.
Jon F