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External Loving Parent

by | Jul 1, 2022 | ComLine, Voices of Recovery

I can’t relate to a loving parent inside me. I had to imagine an external loving parent as my father holding me in a “snuggly” , and supporting me, giving me empathy and love. I don’t even feel it is necessary for me to distinguish the negative voices, only my wounded child. She needs mostly empathy and love .

After getting some of the love I craved and needed then, I start dealing with my wounded child. I couldn’t give my wounded child what I never got. My wounded child could not relate to a HP but to an adult me. I felt that just as a child hears the messages from a parent and internalizes them, I needed to hear the positive messages from my Loving Parent and could pass it on to my wounded child.  

I don’t relate to affirmations. For many years a little voice in my mind said “it’s not true”. I needed to imagine feeling how it would feel, if I were told “you are precious, or good enough or lovable”. Then I could absorb it and “pass it on” to my wounded child. 

After filling up my “bucket” of love a little, from my Loving Father, I spoke to my wounded child. I allowed my buried emotions to come to the surface. I would look into the mirror and say “You are unlovable, bad, worthless, unworthy….” and whatever negative thoughts I had, for as long as I needed to get it out of me, not to reinforce them. Then I gave myself empathy by me as an adult saying to the wounded child, “I feel your pain and hurt or what do you need?” with as much emotion as I could for as long as I needed. Usually it was for about a minute. I listened to what my wounded child asked, treated her as a loving parent would treat a young hurting child.

Afterwards, I could decide what I needed. I, as an adult, could say loving words to the wounded child. I could listen to my Loving Father say words such as “I love you just the way you are, you can handle any emotion, and in your body, I’m always here for you” . If I needed, I could say to myself the same sentences but in “I” form such as, “I am not my body, I attract loving people…..”

In this way, in this 3 way dialogue, I, as an adult learn to internalize the loving messages and be the one in charge of my behavior and speak to the wounded child. I also listened to my Loving Father giving me what I never got as a child and heal and process the root of my dysfunction.  

This modification of the Loving Parent has helped me tremendously. I have healed so much. I feel that these lessons have helped more than all the books I have studied over the years. Thank you ACA!

Hodaya B

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