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I am the person whose egg participated in your life
It wasn't just me
The sperm donor was your father
He wasn't around much after the first few years
They say I kept him away from you
Maybe parts of me did
I was hurt and very much emotionally unavailable to everyone
We were you
I had you when I was 20 years old
No clue of what to do as my part
Even though I was one of the babysitters for my younger siblings

Born third oldest came with many responsibilities
There were eight, but one died early in life
I felt like a servant to my parents
Not having time for me
Any individuality and tons of pressure
It was like a pot boiling over

Never feeling like I was enough as a child
Doing my best each day of my life
But it was never what you deserved as my child
I had always been tough on you
I never let you breath
Same breath that was taken from me

My life was full of trauma that I never mentioned
Keeping the family secrets was the unwritten rule in the house
The same rule I taught you
I forced many of the same experiences on you that I experienced
Not healthy or loving
Just was

Connection to Recovery: Writing this piece from the perspective of my mother gives me some insight and compassion for the struggles she had growing up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family as well. It points out the generational effects of family dysfunction and alcoholism. I am moving out of anger and more towards forgiveness and being present in my life to be my own loving parent for my inner child.

Tamara P.

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