I feel better having written this! Feel some joy!
Some triumph over all that adversity!
It is over with, and I will NEVER tolerate it again!!!
Deserted, rejected, and dumped.
Betrayed, shunned, and discarded.
Ostracized, scorned, and attacked.
Treated with contempt, despised, and deceived.
Character assassination, smear campaigning, and slander.
These all blame the other person for their behavior…
I felt…
Anxious, bewildered, confused, restless, and overwhelmed,
Furious, angry, resentful, and frustrated.
Depressed, disheartened, exhausted, and hurt.
Growing up, this was my father’s treatment. These feelings installed in my mind.
Difficult to see, almost impossible to erase and re-write, on my own hard drive.
The now ex, he continued with the same plan. Capitalizing on these feelings.
He said once to a friend, “She is so naive, I can make her into anything I want.”
He made me into someone to hate.
Love and hate. Love and violence.
What I knew. What was familiar. The same feelings paradigm as in childhood.
What I married. It looked functional, kind, caring. Nope. That was manipulation.
A fishhook, dangling. Would I impale myself on that barb, that bait?
I was naive. But not a coddled naive.
It was a “no experience” naive. A “no support” naive.
A “discernment had been eviscerated and cut out” naive.
I had no boundaries, having learned “flaming door mat” codependence.
“Just walk on me some more.”
I passed the test. Was broken enough. He would pursue.
She would tolerate any level of abuse from him.
She had no intuition, no gut feelings… that told her to run.
To get away as fast as she could.
She stayed and trusted the untrustworthy,
having grown up in a corrupt, dishonest, and deceitful family system.
She learned to trust the untrustworthy.
She had no guidance, developed no discernment
to identify a snake in the grass, a rat, one who betrays.
She believed the words.
The now ex, like my dad and older brother, but in different flavors,
They all came from the “Oh, this will be FUN!!!” point-of-view.
Let’s dismantle her, bit by bit.
Tear her down, destroy her, shatter her, play havoc with her mind,
No, let’s slaughter her mind.
Annihilate her, obliterate her thoughts, exterminate her,
but leave her living, well, almost.
Sabotage! Frustrate! Devastate!
Deliberately vandalize and destroy.
Obstruct, disrupt, cripple, impair, and incapacitate.
Undermine her whole essence of being.
Oh yes, this will be FUN!!!
Well…
I’ve got recovery, and I’ve got the last laugh.
You may call me psychological names, sociopath?
Who are the sociopaths? Is it projection?
Calling the kettle black?
I am thriving, and not part of any of your systems anymore!
And for that, I am grateful!
Lena L
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