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Can you please feed me?

I’m sorry to bother you.

Yes, I know I’m needy.

Sorry about that.

I’d like to not be hungry but my tummy is starting to hurt and I’m getting weak and shaky.

I need food.

I wish that was all I needed.  I need things that I dare not mention.  Yes, that would be uppity of me.

I didn’t ask to be born.  I didn’t ask to be another mouth to feed.

But here I am…scared and starving and small and needy because I can’t help myself.

You’re big.

You’re overwhelmingly big.  You’re practically a giant.  You have all the power.

I can only try to be charming or witty enough so you don’t kill me or beat me to death.

Why do I have to need food?  Why do I have to go through this dance every day so many times?

Thank God for the siblings.  They were the reason I got fed.  I could just get in order, try to be invisible. 

Don’t say anything unless they ask.  Don’t make eye contact.

Sure, I’m curious…what was wrong with me?  Why was I so different?  What was so special about them?  Why did they matter and I evaporated?  I vaporized…

I knew I was never there just for the food.  I was hoping for a glance, an acknowledgement, daring for approval, acceptance.  No, I would never have love for dessert, but I wanted it…

Something besides shame, rejection, condemnation, sneers, shuns, humiliation…

Sure, I’ll get the salt for all of you.  Just let me climb under the table, between your chairs, so sorry to make you move a bit…your chairs that were much closer to the cupboards where the salt is.  Maybe, if I get the salt just right and deliver it to the table just right, maybe then I will be seen and appreciated.

Forget about dessert.  I’ll never be good enough for that.  I’ll get the salt just right and hope for a morsel of any kind.

Well, that didn’t work.  Again.  I’m still outside the bubble.  I’ll just watch for a while longer, keep wishing I never ever had to be hungry, or eat, or feel this pain another freaking minute.

I’m not hungry anymore.  Leave me alone.  I can’t take any more of your abandonment.  

And today you don’t have to, my Dearest Child,

I’ve got you.

I’m here.  I won’t leave, forsake, or abandon you.  I’m not perfect, and I’m not good at this yet, but I love you and I will always come back for you.

You deserve love---you always did.  They were blind and ignorant with you.  Maybe you blinded them with your light and brilliance.

That’s all I see when I look at you…brilliance, genius, and enormous strength and courage to keep showing up at that ridiculous dinner table.

Of course you were hungry for food and attention and even love.  Everyone gets hungry and you are a real person with real, human needs.  I know you felt like a thing instead of a person, and I see why you felt that way.  But it wasn’t right.  

You must have felt like your own body was betraying you every day to put you through that horrible dance.  You must have felt like your body was on a different team every time it needed something that they may have been inconvenienced by.  I am so sorry for all of that.  No one should ever have to even think of going through what you did.  You deserved so much better…and I’m here to help now.

It is my highest honor to spend the rest of my life giving you food freely and all the love and attention you could ever imagine.  

None of what you experienced was your fault.  It had nothing to do with you or anything about you.  Your body was not trying to betray you.  It was trying to help you survive, and it did so.  You have been on the same team all along, it must have felt like you were constantly going different directions.  I’m so sorry for that.

And I think it’s going to be okay.  We are all together now.  You are not alone anymore and you never will be abandoned ever again.  I’ve got you.  You’re amazing body is part of our team now too!  It’s going to be okay.

I love you, so!

Thank you for your courage and strength and resilience.  Your brilliance is why we are both here today, working together to heal and find each other and build a happy life.  I could not possibly be more proud of anyone or anything on this earth as I am proud of you!  

Imeri E

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