Early in my recovery, I thought if I could just figure out a way to remove all of the defects that I perceived in myself, I would be able to live a happier life. Accepting that I had experienced trauma in my early life was easier for me than figuring out what to “do” about it.
Over the years, I did do several things to try to heal – therapy, reading books, attending seminars, attending meetings, having a meaningful spiritual practice – just to name a few. All these efforts were supportive and helpful.
Eventually, though, I came to understand that the absence of the negative does not equal the positive. I realized that, for me, recovery isn’t just about healing what was painful, but it’s also about engaging with what is pleasing.
Growing up in a home that didn’t feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually safe impacted my ability to be able to receive in ways I am still working to heal. I am coming to understand that living day to day in a fear state naturally required me to shut down, close off and block all my channels, which cut me off from the hurt, but also kept out the good. Even something as simple as opening gifts during holidays or birthdays felt stressful instead of enjoyable.
Looking back, I felt shame while opening the gifts and guilt over not feeling grateful enough or showing enough excitement to my parents. All these years later, even though I cognitively know that it’s over, my emotional, physical, and spiritual selves aren’t convinced. I am working to lovingly reparent them so that they can realize it’s safe to be open now.
When I realized I had this new layer of healing to do, I felt excited because some things I had been struggling with suddenly made more sense to me. I had been noticing that I felt blocked in my work, blocked to receiving, even though I felt very confident in my abilities. It just didn’t seem to fit how I see myself today. How could I feel so good about myself and yet also believe I would not be able to succeed?
Now I had my answer. This fear of receiving had been subtle, subconsciously hanging around in my nervous system, stuck in the past.
Now that I am aware of these old emotional responses, my Loving Parent can gently tend to them. Because they don’t belong in my life today. I want to experience everything my higher power has for me. I want to be all of my true self, both giving and receiving.
Christie P