Trust

What did trust mean to me as a child?

As an infant - don’t. As a toddler - don’t. A little older, it is a pattern, don’t.
Kindergarten as I crossed the threshold… I thought:
“Adults and children aren’t trustworthy, just do the work.”
Already had learned the perpetrator/victim/rescuer triangle well, but there was no rescuer in this family…
Pruned from my thought circuits. 
What safety? What is safety? 
I don’t have this… I don’t know this… 
But I don’t know it is missing… It is normalized…

What did trust mean to me as a teenager?

No such thing. Be wary. Be careful. Try to stay safe.
I made rules to not be caught by the same situation again… So many situations, so many rules.
My life became smaller, more rule-bound. It didn’t keep me safe. 
Lots of blind-siding, regardless of my rules.

What does trust mean to me now?

I don’t know… But it is different. VERY different.
I know when people are trustworthy. There is a “wise self” inside, an “inner loving parent.” 
I listen to my intuition, my gut feelings, and REALLY listen… 
Even have dialogs with different parts of myself! I don’t share this with everyone… 😉

Trust? I know what is NOT trustworthy, and get away.
Having grown up learning to trust the untrustworthy. And marrying one. 
I have a gut feeling about what TRUST is…

From the dictionary:

“A relationship built on mutual trust and respect.” (Trust defined by trust doesn’t tell me a thing…)
And from the thesaurus:
Confidence, freedom from suspicion or doubt…
Sureness, certainty, reliance… Safekeeping, protection, care… Hope, believe…

I am lost. This definition glances at what I know in my heart…

TRUST - Things related to learning, building, growing, and knowing TRUST…

Things I needed as a child:
SECURITY and PROTECTION: fairness, honesty, hope, justice, nurture, safety, stability.
AN IDENTITY: acceptance, acknowledgment, appreciation, balance, clarity, effectiveness,
integrity, learning, privacy, self-development, shared reality, self-acceptance, to be seen.
FREEDOM: autonomy, choices, a direction forward. 
AFFECTION: companionship, intimacy, kindness, to matter.
PARTICIPATION: belonging, inclusion, accomplishment, community, connection, dependability
encouragement, harmony, involvement, mutuality and reciprocity, recognition, respect, support.
LEISURE: ease, play, celebration.
UNDERSTANDING: consideration, empathy, peace of mind, to be heard.
TRANSCENDENCE: love, peace.

Lena L.