Unresolved Issues

Some of my struggles with steps 2 & 3)
Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God.

Two decades of childhood domestic violence – 
Higher Power, where are you? 
Another decade of religious abuse – 
Higher Power, where are you? 

My first two decades – terror. 
Higher Power, where are you? 
Set up for more abuse from others. 
Higher Power, where are you? 

I call to you. 
I hear silence. 
I feel absolutely – 
abandoned. 

Somehow I survived 
the violence of infancy 
and all the erratic eruptions 
of alcoholic rage. 

When I was nineteen, 
I gave my heart to you 
and to the church. 
My heart was trampled repeatedly. 

They were secretly addicted 
to power and control. 
They deceived me 
with their simplistic answers. 

They expected compliance. 
They turned on me 
when I gave them honesty. 
I refused to play their games. 

I innocently fell into a trap. 
I did the best I could 
with what I knew at the time. 
I learned painful and valuable lessons. 

Oh Higher Power, where were you?
I gave the best I had.
Where are you in the silence?
Where were you in their attacks?

I have also witnessed the self-destruction 
of my entire birth family. 
I love every one of them. 
Higher Power, where are you? 

Higher Power, 
how can I trust you? 
How can I trust – 
the silence? 

I often go for early morning walks. 
Oh Higher Power, 
are you any closer 
than Orion in the sky? 

You cloak yourself in mystery. 
You play hide-and-seek. 
You hide; I seek. 
I cannot win this game. 

And yet Higher Power, 
I still seek you. 
I still search for you. 
I cannot answer why. 

I ask for your help. 
I listen and I hear – silence. 
What do I do with the silence? 
Do you hear my heartache? 

I don’t have the answers. 
Neither does anyone else. 
Yet I pray as if you’re for real, 
as if I’m not speaking to the Great Void. 

How do I resolve these unresolvable issues?
I choose to step forward. 
I choose to seek healthy people and groups. 
I choose to risk trust – with wisdom. 

I choose internal integrity. 
I choose to work the steps. 
I choose to learn from past pain. 
I choose to learn from past mistakes. 

My heart’s been shattered by violence. 
I have mostly recovered my heart. 
Perhaps I’ll be shattered again. 
Higher Power, where are you? 

One step forward today – 
my best answer thus far. 
Tomorrow, one step forward today, 
day after day after day. 

This much I know for sure: 
I was once mired in a bottomless pit. 
The bottomless pit has transformed 
into a summit-less mountain climb. 

Oh, Higher Power. 
Grant me this one request: 
that I may see you and hear you – 
before I leave this realm.

– Healing Heart Warrior (Tom M.)