Many have told me to just trust God.
But I struggle to trust the one
who entrusted my newborn soul
to the “care” of exploding daddy-Monster
and placed me in an environment
of two terrifying decades
of childhood domestic violence.
Many have told me to just forgive.
But I grew tired of the sick game
of forgiving only to be further abused
by those who demanded my forgiveness.
No, they didn’t want forgiveness;
they wanted power and dominance.
I have been told to smile more.
But I don’t have a plastic smile to give.
They have no clue about my trauma.
And I have no desire to share my heart
with those who want to “fix” me,
who seem more concerned with my image
than with my shattered heart.
Someone once screamed at me to “LIGHTEN UP!”
He claimed to be speaking for God.
So why was he screaming?
Shall I trust someone who screams for God?
I have heard all kinds of guilt trips
from those who think I’m not serving God as I should.
But what does God want?
Does he really want more religiosity in my life?
Or is there something more,
such as inner integrity, perhaps?
I have spent much of my life
jumping through hoops for others.
But they are never pleased.
They are never satisfied.
I am done living my life for those
who will never have my back
and who constantly look for faults.
I gave my heart to God
and to the church
only to have it trampled –
again and again and again.
I walked away from one toxic fellowship
only to find another.
I repeated this cycle four times
before I saw a clear pattern.
I am done with the insanity.
I am done with being controlled and manipulated.
I am done with believing in All-Loving Forever-Monster.
I am done with the Holy Swamp of Judgmental Sludge.
I am done with all the pious swamp monsters.
I am done with pleasing the unpleasable.
I am done with yielding my autonomy to others.
I will think for myself.
I will believe what I believe.
I will make my own decisions.
I will allow others to choose for themselves.
I was set up by daddy-Monster
to find a bigger daddy-Monster.
I was released from daddy-Monster
to be subject to many other bullies.
I have learned through many years
and through repeated and overwhelming pain.
I have begun to live.
I continue to heal and grow.
– Healing Heart Warrior (Tom M.)
Author’s Note: Upon leaving my birth family, I was ensnared by another dysfunctional family system. This poem is about my journey through some of the dysfunction and the process of finding my freedom.
Tom M
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