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My father…

by | Feb 1, 2024 | ACA And The Arts, ComLine

My father was a Rage-a-holic, verbally and physically abusive, and more…
Drama “King” is an understatement.
He seemed to derive pleasure from inflicting pain and humiliation on the rest of us.

As a child I could not stand up to this man… Had to put up with this “bully” behavior.
Needed to preserve my life and a roof over my head. And access to food. All subconscious.
Don’t do anything to make him any MORE angry.

Not standing up to dad was the equivalent of throwing myself under the bus…
required for food and shelter. My currency for living…
Along with earning outstanding marks in school…
to avoid physical harm for not being perfect.
In the long-run, the high marks created anger in dad about me.
Girls were not supposed to amount to anything, not do well… Disposable at best…

This is how I “paid” for what it cost to raise me.
For me to live in their house. And to avoid physical harm.
While dad tore down my psyche bit by bit, I was earning top marks,
yet thought I was a “C” student, because of the brainwashing and gaslighting…
His hatred of females. I was expected to be stupid.

I could not and did not stand up to this man in junior high school.
Didn’t want to rock the boat, didn’t want to lose what little I had.
Nor did I tell about what was going on. Didn’t spill the family secrets.
Don’t ask for help. I had never experienced a supportive atmosphere.
(Until I found ACA, and then I couldn’t trust people would still be kind the next week,
and the next, and the next… Took years to take that in, and take it to heart…)

Just an abusive household envelope, something to tolerate, to live through,
things would be better on the other side, if I got out, and if I lived through it.
I really didn’t expect to live through childhood. Didn’t make plans, didn’t expect to be there.

I took my little brother (10 years younger) hostage and tried to keep him safe.
I could keep him safe from my father in the daytime, but not at night.
The room we shared was an easy place for dad to isolate, corner, and attack.
After each of dad’s episodes, I checked to be sure my little brother was still alive.
A hard place for a 12 year old girl to be…
I would sing him back to sleep. The same song.
He was only 2 when the harm started, in our shared room.
He would quietly say “again” and I would sing the song again.
When he didn’t say “again” I knew he had fallen asleep.

It probably started before, in the crib, in their room, as it did with me.
Is this behavior from my father part of my childhood too?
In the huge sections of time I have with no memories?

To my father:
I think you are sick. This is not acceptable behavior for a parent. I think you need help.
I think you need to be removed from this family until you can TRULY behave differently…
Respectfully. With integrity. With kindness, with care.
And keep your hands and your words to yourself.
I think your behavior would have earned you some jail time… If disclosed…

It is not OK to treat a child like this.
There are childhood wounds in you that need to be healed.
I think you are behaving as the perpetrator, doing what was done to you.
A predator taking advantage of the most vulnerable of us, really ALL of us…
as your dumping ground for anger…
Hurting and damaging everyone in this family system.

Take this in, please… See what you are doing to my little brother, to us.
I think you are destroying him. I think you are destroying me.
Witnessing your destruction, I the rescuer who cannot really rescue.
Just dissociate, and learn to trust the untrustworthy. Is this really what you wanted me to learn?
I think your repetitive actions are tearing apart any chance for functional relationships
in all of us for the future.
I think you are destroying us from the inside out.

We have to pretend to trust you. It is false, you know. Lessons in trusting the untrustworthy.
Trust the monster, but the beast is not safe. You subject us to harm, then pretend it didn’t happen.
We are all “at risk” with you around. Vulnerable, and you capitalized on that.
I think you are not capable of being trusted, I think you are dangerous, life-threatening, and downright toxic.
We are not whipping posts. I think you may have been, but it doesn’t give you the right to do that to others.
Look at yourself. I think you are sick. I think you need help.
I think you need to process your past so you don’t damage others.

And your words and your body language being in disagreement.
Crazymaking at best. For little kids. For a parent to be like this. Unsettling.
I think I would have fared so much better, if I had listened to the body language and not the words.
The body language was a lot more truthful.

Lena L

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