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Today I Stood Up For Myself For The First Time

by | Feb 15, 2022 | ComLine, Voices of Recovery

Hi Berlinda ACA of child molestation physical verbal and physical and abuse all by the hands of my mother I was molested constantly from the age of 10 to 14 all I knew was pain in my life my mother was a prostitute and she sold me as well as herself so at any given time she would wake me up and make me go in the room to somebody who put me in the cab or send me to somebody and that's how I grew up yelling screaming belittling me telling me that I was ugly I'm having large pores used to say holy face my childhood was terrible I haven't spoken to my mother in five years and her birthday was Sunday so I called her and I went through such a tragedy from Friday when I contacted her I was having nightmares about her locking me in the house and allowing somebody to hurt me before I left her home and went to a shelter I was told by my brother that she at my sister was going to pay somebody to kill me because she is part partner with me in the home and all of a sudden when I was repairing to go I just was overindulged with fear it was something that I had never experienced I shared this at the ACA meeting my home group and I was so afraid that my sponsor had to tell me to put cold water on my face and she told me that that's what they call emotional hangover it took me every bit of today to feel regular but I'm just so weak and my bones are hurting and I'm hurting all over and she said it was a shock as well and I was happy because for once I was able to stand up to her and I said I'm not going to be able to make it because I didn't want to go I got involved in alcohol and drugs that was my Tylenol PM whatever I took was alcohol drugs it just sedated me to the point but that's why I wanted to be and I also wound up in AA nna I seek outside help I do not feel safe enough to have a relationship and I get very upset when men approach me like in my building cuz I just think it's I guess being an ACA it helps me to talk to people that understand my pain I just don't like to be touched and I found out like five years ago that my brother told me that my mother molested him too with another person and I was about 5 years old and I remember that day just as clear when my mother and the other lady I wrote a poem called land mines in my mind but I don't know how to paste and do all of that that you're asking for so I guess I'll try to put it in next time but it talks about me then I have another one that calls I don't exist and it was about the molestation and how I walked around in the world just being not existing just being I pray that this story can help someone because today I stood up for myself for the first time I'm doing extensive studies on character and toxic people and so now toxic I have been because it starts and it ends with me. The more I continue to come to meetings and work my laundry listing just learn so much that's why I'm so excited about coming to the conference because I just want to learn I just want to learn how to not be what brought me to this group

Barlinda C

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