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I Knew But I Really Didn’t Know

by | Sep 1, 2022 | ACA And The Arts, ComLine

I knew I didn’t want to be like my mother.
She rubbed off on me anyway.

I knew my Dad was a drunk who abused me and I was scared of him.
I hoped that would change but it didn’t.

I knew I didn’t really want to marry my first husband.
I did it because I didn’t know it was ok to say no.

I knew my family wasn’t normal like other people’s families.
I didn’t realize how sick and controlling they really were.

I knew cutting them off would be hard and they would try to control me anyways.
I didn’t know how far they would actually go to try and keep control of me.

I knew they didn’t like my forever husband, I knew my mother-in-law hated me.
I didn’t know they would gang up with a slew of flying monkeys to try and ruin our lives.

I knew that my church family was a lot like my family of origin without the alcohol.
I didn’t know they would hurt and abuse me just the same.

I knew I had a lot of friends and I loved them all hard.
I didn’t know all but 2 did not wish me well.

I knew the devil would work over time when I was In God’s Will.
I didn’t know he would burn that old bitch down and I’d have to rebuild with a whole new outlook on life.

I knew that God always answers prayers.
I didn’t know it wasn’t always how you thought he would answer when you whisper those prayers.

I knew life was hard.
I didn’t know it was this hard.

I knew I needed to ask for help.
I didn’t know I would be met with silence.

I knew I needed a break from being a workaholic.
I didn’t know I would be broken instead.

I’m still angry.
Anger comes from hurt.
And hurt people tend to bleed on those who did not cut them.
So my job is to put on my armor, put faith over fear, a brave face, draw my sword, and keep slaying the demons knowing that a breakTHRU is coming when I least expect it.

I knew but I really didn’t know.
Now that I know better I can do better.

Gretchen W.

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